How to Talk to Your Kids About Their Other Parent During a Divorce
One of the hardest parts of divorce is navigating conversations about your ex with your children. Even if you have legitimate grievances, speaking negatively about their other parent can deeply affect your kids, causing them to internalize criticism and confusion. Here’s how to handle these conversations with care, promoting your child’s emotional health and resilience.
The Psychological Impact of Criticism
Children see themselves as part of both parents. When one parent criticizes the other, the child often interprets this as a criticism of them. According to family therapists, this can cause emotional distress, leading to feelings of insecurity, guilt, and divided loyalty.
Psychological Insight: Studies show that children exposed to parental conflict and negative talk about one parent are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
Best Practice: Neutral or Positive Language
No matter how strained your relationship with your ex, it’s crucial to speak about them in a neutral or positive manner around your children. This doesn’t mean you have to praise them, but you should avoid negative remarks or blame.
Instead of saying, "Your dad/mom never follows through," try, "I’m sure your dad/mom is doing their best, let’s see how we can work together."
Legal Consideration: In Tennessee, courts assess each parent’s willingness to foster a positive relationship between the child and the other parent. Negative talk about the other parent can impact custody decisions and reflect poorly on your case.
Best Practice: Focus on the Child’s Experience
When your child brings up their other parent, ask open-ended questions that focus on their experience, rather than directing the conversation toward your own feelings about the situation.
- "How do you feel when you spend time with dad/mom?"
- "What’s something fun you did together recently?"
- "Is there anything you want to talk about?"
By keeping the focus on your child’s emotions, you give them the space to process their feelings without adding the burden of your own conflicts.
Best Practice: Model Emotional Intelligence
Teach your children how to navigate complex emotions by modeling emotional intelligence. This means acknowledging your own feelings without acting on them in front of your children. For example, if you’re feeling frustrated after an interaction with your ex, you can say, "I’m feeling frustrated right now, but I’m going to take a moment to calm down." This shows your children that it’s okay to have difficult emotions, and it’s important to manage them responsibly.
Takeaway: Build Resilience through Healthy Communication
Your children’s emotional health is tied to how you navigate conversations about their other parent. Avoid criticism, focus on their feelings, and model emotional intelligence to help them develop the resilience they need to thrive during and after the divorce. By protecting their relationship with both parents, you foster a healthier, happier environment for their growth.
Michele McGill
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